​When I retired after many years from one of my jobs as a psychologist, the clients in my group asked “What have you learned after all these years of working with people that you can pass onto us?” I had to think, took a long pause and said “Just learn to trust yourself, your true self”. I’ve learned that in the end, the truth is within you. You may need help to reach it and even more help to trust it, but it’s there, always has been. You just need to be able to access it.

 

I know it sounds trite, and it has been said many times before, but the search for meaning and happiness lies within. The ultimate goal of life is to find who you truly are and to manifest it fully in your life. If the purpose of our lives is to bring our true selves into the world, to express our true nature and to fulfill our own unique destiny, then we need to start from where we are now.

 

One of the most common complaints I’ve heard from my clients in therapy is “I don’t know who I am”. I say to them. “Nobody knows who they are”. We know aspects of ourselves, we know who we should be or more helpfully, who we would like to be or more exactly, in the case of therapy, who we don’t want to be anymore. Most people coming to therapy come with a problem and they want it to go away. Not to understand how this problem reflects the difficulty of their relationship with themselves but just to have it removed. And modern psychology is able to do that for them. This is a large part of the work. To relieve symptoms and the suffering that ensues from those symptoms and enable a return to functional life.

 

However, both medicine and psychology also have a deeper duty, that of focussing on wellness and the attributes of keeping well. But beyond both, there is an even deeper layer – this is the realm of spiritual growth. The underlying purpose and meaning of it all as it manifests in our own lives. This is the aspect that is missing for most of us, the aspect that adds weight and grounding to our lives, that keeps us stable and indestructible in hard times, the eye of the storm, the stillness within. We all have this. But first we need to pay attention to it, locate it, listen to it and be prepared to hear its voice – change our compass from without, from everybody else’s opinions and expectations, from the voice of authorities in the field, from accepted disciplines of knowledge, from isms and accepted theories; to within, our own felt sense of direction and purpose.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there is a place for all of the above. Where would we start if we didn’t have the signposts that others have left for us to follow. Especially the major ones which give us guidelines for our lives. However, we can do it all a dishonour by following it slavishly and throwing away our responsibility to our own free will and the choices we make. Once we have absorbed as much as we need from others, then we are on our own, trusting our own inner guidance to take us the last mile.

One of my favourite quotes from Carl G. Jung when speaking about working in therapy with people is “Learn your theories as well as you can, but put them aside when you touch the miracle of the living soul.” The Red Book Page 275. ​

 

There are many paths to finding this inner self as it has been described and practised for thousands of years. One method, the one I will be sharing, is the slow process of learning to trust this subtle part of yourself, not just as something to go to for relaxation and peace or even for divine inspiration but as a real and integral part of your day to day life. As a valid actor and participant in your life which gives it more clarity, peace, purpose and understanding. And how learning to trust this will help with the battle against anxiety, depression and other forms of self doubt.

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The 3 steps

 

Step 1 is about looking at ourselves and basically getting out of our own way. What's holding us back. Self sabotaging behaviours, addictions, fear and conformity, neglect of our own felt truth, problems with relationships, problems with ourselves and managing our own emotions and thoughts. And finally, if there is trauma in your past, how is this affecting your current life and the need to release its paralyzing grip and move towards recovery.  

All the things people come to therapy for. 

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Step 2 is about doing the work. Looking at how our negative and unhelpful thoughts sap our energy and keep us stuck. Changing our thoughts into more realistic, hopeful and helpful thinking.

Going one step further and learning to take a break from our thinking altogether.  To step back from our constant stream of thoughts and just observe our state of mind without judgement. This will contribute to our peace of mind.  Then we do the same with our emotions. Witnessing what we are feeling but remaining detached from the feelings. Letting them come and go and recognizing that they are just feelings, not facts. This will help to release the crippling grip of emotions and enable us to let go of grievances about the past. We look at empowering our behaviour through the use of personal boundaries and applying them in difficult interpersonal situations.  

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Step 3 is about going beyond ourselves to connect with others. We enter the arena of forgiveness - of others and ourselves. This is the leap forward from our personal suffering when things go wrong in our lives. Taking this extra step is useful in releasing us from anger and resentment and freeing us from the past to create a different future. 

 

We look at the challenges of relationships, the purpose of relationships and how we can navigate their sometimes very difficult and emotional aspects. We learn how to use our relationships for growth rather than purely for the purpose of meeting our own needs.

 

And since all roads lead to love, we will be able to gain an understanding of how our search for our special love limits us and keeps us stuck in conflict. We will be able to step back to see our love relationships within the wider context of our lives and be able to join at that level, where we can truly meet each other and everyone else.

 

In summary, the above steps are encapsulated within the following process: 

To individuate - become fully ourselves

To differentiate - separate our “stuff” (our unresolved issues) from other people’s “stuff” (their unresolved issues) - these issues get in the way of true connection and become a battleground in relationships.

To connect - on a level beyond the personal battleground by extending beyond ourselves to meet the other in the larger context of our lives. It is here that we can truly connect with them and, if we so choose, connect with the whole

 When we go beyond ourselves through forgiveness, unselfishness, thoughtfulness, generosity or understanding, we enter into this larger context and make our lives richer.