Doing your own shadow work

The shadow is a misunderstood and much maligned aspect of our wholeness. It is made up of the qualities, impulses and emotions that we cannot bear for others to see so we cast them deep into our unconscious and keep them hidden.

We generally like to present a certain image to the world. Wearing a mask of conformity, we want to be seen as kind, courteous, acceptable and approved of, pushing away those qualities that do not fit the image. We shove them into the unconscious. Feelings that make us uneasy – hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, lust, shame. Behaviours we deem wrong – addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency.

These qualities take on a life of their own and almost become like an evil twin we live with. Sometimes we know it’s there and we try to keep a tight grip on it. At other times, we are unaware of its presence and it seems to appear abruptly in strange ways. In uncharacteristic behaviour when we get drunk or when we are away from our usual setting. It can emerge in moments of rage or passion, short temper, verbal abuse, lying, envy, betrayal. Or it can slowly emerge in a pattern of behaviour which we act out in private, such as binge eating, closet drinking, gambling, frequenting brothels. We cannot face this behaviour in ourselves or tolerate it in others.

If you are ashamed of any part of your life, of your desires, your looks, your choices, certain traits and habits - your shadow is showing.

If you feel disgusted by someone, incredulous or embarrassed by their behaviour. If you hate someone or judge them. If you are repulsed or can’t stand something in a friend or relative - your shadow is showing.

If you are trapped in compulsive behaviours, to deaden shadowy feelings or to fill the emptiness left by banishing a part of yourself - your shadow is showing.

If you make slips of the tongue which reveal unintentional feelings, or thoughts, commonly known as “Freudian slips” – your shadow is showing.

For example, while I was pushing furniture around at work one day, a male colleague asked me if I needed some help. I said “No, it’s OK. I can marriage.” Revealing that while I was presenting the face of being a self-sufficient and independent single woman, I secretly wanted to be married and helped.

If you laugh at cruel jokes at another’s expense, respond to off-color remarks or find the clumsiness of others hilarious – your shadow is showing.

If you have constant physical symptoms that you don’t understand, headaches, colds, sore throats, stomach upsets – your shadow is showing. One of Jung’s quotes is “what the psyche suppresses, the body expresses.” We also know that memories of trauma are held in the body as well as the brain. If we don’t pay attention, the body tries to make us notice.

If you are going through a mid-life crisis, feeling instability in love or work, emptiness and meaninglessness, a sense of having missed out – your shadow is showing.

If your dreams reveal forbidden wishes or break strong taboos or reflect unknown feelings and unseen attitudes which contradict your waking self image – your shadow is showing.

Our personal shadow is shaped by forces from the collective shadow including the cultural shadow, the family shadow and the parents’ shadows. The personal shadow can contain anything that is forbidden, shamed or taboo depending on the cultural, familial and parental influence.

Doing your shadow work

If you are interested in doing your own shadow work, you can start with the process of self observation, or witnessing. This is the key to “knowing thyself” and relieving much of the suffering that occurs with ruminating thoughts and painful emotions.

Self observation gives you a level of detachment from the personal I and allows you to step back into the non personal I. It gives your thoughts and emotions room to express without impinging upon you. It gives room in your mind to manage your emotions rather than being managed by them. They will control you less. You can hear them but not necessarily obey them.

For now, I will outline some steps for you to start this process, in a gentle way, with some of your own self sabotaging behaviours.

1.         Do some Breath Work for Grounding. The breath can be used to ground yourself at the core. To remain stable and focused. Use any kind of breathing exercise which is comfortable for you. Some of the ones I recommend are:

1a.       Box Breathing or square breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 4                                seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 4 seconds. Repeat.

1b.       Diaphragmatic Breathing: Slow breathe into the diaphragm, allowing the belly to expand on inhalation and contract on exhalation. Repeat.

1c.       Buddha Belly Breath: Place your hands on your belly. Inhale slowly and deeply          through your nose. Focus on filling your lower abdomen with air, allowing it to expand like a balloon. Feel your belly rise. Slowly exhale fully through your mouth. Allow your belly to naturally contract. Repeat.

2.         Identify the presence of a self-sabotaging behaviour. It can typically appear as a repetitive thought such as “I’ll never succeed; I’m too fat; I need a drink; I can do it tomorrow.” Or a chronic feeling such as fear, guilt, sadness, anger. Or a body sensation such as butterflies in the stomach, tightness in the chest or throat, emptiness, craving.

Name what is happening. “I’m having the thought that I can do it tomorrow” or “I’m experiencing the feeling of guilt” or “I’m feeling tightness in my chest.” 

3.         Recognize that these thoughts, feelings and sensations are not who you are. They are not your identity, your Self. They are fragments, disowned parts which want to be heard. You may want to personify them by giving them a name eg procrastinating Sally, addict Adam, angry Joe. This way you can own this part of you and separate it out from the general mass of unconscious material.

In summary, name it, locate it in the body, and then hear its message. Be with it, don’t run or fight. You are not identifying with it, merely observing it. You will not feel compelled to obey. You have a choice. And it is no longer the enemy lurking in the darkness ready to pounce. You have invited it into the light and warmth of your home and from there it can become a friend.