Joseph and Georgina - a discovery through relationship counselling.

Joseph and Georgina came to see me about their relationship. The main problem appeared to be Joseph’s binge drinking. Georgina said it was out of control on weekends. They couldn’t do anything together as he got so drunk. She felt very alone.

“I’m 35. I’d like to have some children. My father was an alcoholic. I’d like us to stay together but something needs to change.”

Joseph said “Georgina talks down to me. But I want to stay in the relationship. I love her.

They both agreed that drinking was the main problem.

Joseph was not prepared to give up drinking fully but wanted to be able to control his drinking. We made a plan to pursue a Controlled Drinking Program.

At our next session, they were both feeling positive. He had kept to the program and she had felt supported saying he was more present in the relationship.

As the haze of alcohol started to lift, they both began looking more clearly at their relationship and major doubts were emerging. He noticed how obsessive and anxious Georgina was around petty stuff not being done around the house. The more present he became the more he noticed the distance between them.

His parents had split up when he was 11 years old. He loved his Dad and was very angry when he left. He felt relationships were unreliable like that.

Georgina had come from a family that stayed together through thick and thin. The main problem was her father’s drinking and she had often felt that if only that had been different, she would have had a happy childhood. She felt the same with Joseph. If only he would give up drinking they could have a happy life together. But she was now seeing the flaws in their relationships even without the alcohol. She saw the distance as well and felt just as alone as before.

At our next session, they told me they had split up. She wanted a baby within the next 2 years and he was not sure that he did. Joseph said, “There’s a lot we don’t have in common. We have to make an effort to do things together. She’s enhanced my life spiritually. But what pisses me off are the little things she complains about. I don’t get it. I care about her. I love her. She just always seems to be on my back for things around the house.”

Georgina said, “I realize it was not just the drinking that was the problem. The drinking was a smoke screen hiding some real issues between us. Now that we can’t blame that anymore, we have to be honest about what’s between us and what isn’t. We don’t actually have the right connection for a stable future together.”

Joseph agreed. “Our intimacy has slackened off. I don’t see a future together anymore. I don’t want to go back to the relationship as it is.”

During our last session, they told me it was definitely finished. They both felt sad and said they still cared about each other, but were convinced it was the wise decision at this stage of their lives.

It seems Joseph’s drinking was a way of not wanting to be fully in the relationship. Addiction has even been described as a compromise between being present and not being present. Wanting to be somewhere but at the same time, not wanting to be there. Once this defence was lifted and he was able to fully inhabit the relationship, they could both see it for what it was and they acted on their shared gut feelings about it. Whether this turned out to be the right or wrong decision, I never found out. But it was a step towards owning their own lives rather than staying stuck in a situation of perpetual mind fog.